January, 2006 Testimonial from Joyful Heart Participant...

You're Beautiful

I've spent so much time in my life beating myself up. I've starved, over exercised, binged, drank, smoked and yelled at myself for not being good enough. When my friend asked me if I wanted to go to Hawaii with a foundation that brings sexual assault victims to swim with the dolphins, I said yes right away but didn't know what to expect. It was amazing. At a place called Paradise Point, with the sound of the waves in the background and plumeria sprinkled over the ground, all the pressures of the world went away. An underlying understanding between the women quickly developed, like we were letting each other know that we were each taking a break from life and that we were not alone. Rarely do I take time out of the schedules I set to find myself, love myself and just be who I truly am. In that week with the warmth of the counselors, the courage of the women, the love of the dolphins, and the good vibe, I allowed myself to stop sucking in, stop criticizing and let my goofy self come out.

Ever since I was a kid, I remember being so dazzled when dolphins would swim by in the ocean doing flips. I grew up sleeping with a dolphin stuffed animal and I collected dolphin stickers. I didn't really know how smart they are or the power of their beauty until Joan Ocean shared with us her knowledge and experiences. I was intrigued. I had no idea that dolphins have to be conscious of there breathing all the time or that they can make crazy bubble shapes in the water. Nor did I know how much being around them would affect me. When I first got in the water and they came from underneath, I felt so excited and calm at the same time. When we were all swimming together, I felt alive and humbled. One dolphin came so close I thought it was a person for a second! I felt like it was just them and me in the world. At one point, after trying to keep up with them, I let myself relax, listen and feel. I took in a deep breath and let out a big vibrating "Om", smooth and long. I started to hear the dolphins different pitches fill in the blanks, harmonizing and Oming along with me. Shocked and overwhelmed with love, I felt whole. They held no judgments, no grudges, no jealousy and no hatred. It was simply beautiful. Later, Lisa Denning put together a DVD of the photos for all the girls on the trip. While I was looking at the photos of us and the dolphins and listening to the lyrics, "I want to thank you" in the background, I started to cry. I was so touched by how strongly I really did want to thank the dolphins for moving me the way they did, reminding me how amazing the world is and that I don't need to change- that I am beautiful the way I am.

Just as I developed an unforgettable relationship with the dolphins, I found good friends on the trip. Everyone was so nice just listening to each other, eating together, looking at each other's artwork, and sharing books, songs and smiles. When I first met Stacey, the Joyful Heart Foundation director, there was a comfortable familiarity between us. Although we didn't knowing anything about each other, it was like she'd known me my whole life. I didn't have to explain anything, she just understood and was by my side to support me in anything I do. For each woman, there was a distinct strong connection. I now have their strength to bring with me through life even though they aren't physically by my side. Being in that kind of safe atmosphere, I wasn't as afraid to let my belly hang out, let my guard down and sit still with my emotions. The vision that the joyful heart founders had is just what the world needed. Although all the women have different lives with different experiences and different ways of coping, we are the same in so many ways. It was a good eye opener and at some moments, magical.

Right now in my life, I'm trying to reconnect with my body and calm my anxiety through yoga. In my journey, I'm interested in spreading the awareness of the psoas muscles, helping women become friends with their bellies and think of themselves without criticism. When I first started yoga, I had trouble simply opening my legs and relaxing. I learned how rewarding it was to breath through the postures, opening up the tight areas. I imagine a yoga room with the walls painted like the ocean. On the walls will be dolphins swimming around, sending you the energy you need in order to create length in the spine. In sending energy back, it will help to expand your pose. For me, the idea of being part of everything and feeling weightless comes easier when I imagine myself in the ocean. I don't know how to express my gratitude to everyone who made this trip possible. I strongly believe in it's purpose and I hope more women get to experience what I did, as I know it will enormously add to the richness of lives and even save some. As I leave behind all the years of beating myself up, I take with me the awareness of the beauty in this world and the strength we have within us.

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