The Joyful Heart Foundation was conceived by Mariska Hargitay in response to the letters she was receiving from sexual assault survivors who were reaching out to her because of the role she plays on television's Law and Order SVU. Throughout the year, this foundation finances retreats, mainly to Hawaii to swim with dolphins, to help survivors recover from sexual violence. Dolphins are known to have a powerful healing effect on people suffering from physical, mental, or emotional distress.
Heart opening... The first time I saw those words on the t-shirts we were handed, along with the word fearlessness, I honestly thought how very icky. Not cool.
On my way to the airport, I felt like these very loving, gentle, smiling people were probably going to try to convince me I was loved and that I was okay and attempt to wrestle from me the fear and anger I was convinced was holding me up and keeping me alive. If my sexual abuse and rapes were not to define and create the momentum in my life, then what in the hell was I?
In order to get well, I had been in a very serious plunge into thinking about, weighing, and assigning value to my experiences of sexual violence and no one was going to shut me up or deter me. It's funny now and I think it's very cute actually how I was terrified of letting go of those things even a little, like being petrified of the Easter Bunny.
We got off the plane in Hawaii and the counselors ran up to us and HUGGED us and I was pissed because it was happening, they were treating me like I was vulnerable and needed hugging! So as unsettled as I was, I managed to make it to my little un-air-conditioned hut in the dark after another hug attack and went to bed.
I woke up before dawn to the sound of waves and looked out at the ocean. I then walked around and poked about timidly until people started to wake up. I felt very shy but in awe of how beautiful it was, how soothing the sounds of the waves were. There was something there that hadn't been before, this silence inside of me that came and went along with the sounds of the ocean as I habitually fought against it. We went snorkeling that day and I was curious and took risks and tempted fate and all the things I had been depriving myself of and didn't know where to find in my hectic life in New York.
When we got back to the house and after resting, we were to check in with the group about how we were feeling. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings, feeling safe and accepted, and torn between wanting to find release and needing to stay on guard. I started to choke back my tears and fight crying and that ended up with me on the floor, fighting to breathe and ground myself. The people were gentle and giving and assured me that I was, absolutely fine, and perfectly, despite my fears, okay. It was overwhelming because now I faced acceptance and the daunting possibility that I was acceptable.
We all got on a boat to go out to visit and play with dolphins first thing in the morning the next day. I was so excited; I was barely able to sit. When I first saw them swim along with us under the boat, I thought I would absolutely not be able to contain myself. They were so beautiful and sweet and gentle and adorable. I knew I looked like a little kid gawking at a bin of puppies in a pet store and even though I really don't know why I immediately loved them so much, I did, and couldn't help myself.
The next day we went out to swim with the dolphins again and what happened then is a little hard to describe. They were circling us and I felt this light go through my body and warmth and ease and peace. They swam next to us and I was started laughing and crying underwater in my snorkel mask. I felt what it was like to play again- to embrace gentleness and tenderness and love, not because they were safer than fear or guardedness, but because it felt better, and because I could choose it. Dolphins have scars and have every reason you would assume to fear humans but they swim right up to you and seem with all my heart to be smiling and playful. It gave me an idea- to love myself and protectively embrace all the parts of myself that are afraid and angry and doubtful, and to take the leap when it feels good, to love and to play and to live, despite everything.
Many days and a confusing number of hours later, I find myself so dismantled from where I was- my new landscape courses back and forth from surreal and frustrating to euphoric and divinely inspiring. Lately New York seems toxic- the rush, the cacophonous sounds, the stink, the grime, the claustrophobia, the chemicals. Where do I go from here? I keep wondering what I am supposed to be doing, as my heart feels a constant pull on a thread which is anchored somewhere in the waves near Paradise Point, near the dolphins.
I had the thought for a moment that I had closely manicured fences that have now been torn apart and wouldn't it have been easier to just keep on plowing ahead as I was? Maybe this is one of life's hilarious pranks. I think of moving to Hawaii- to the big island they call the "Healing Island". Maybe there is more wisdom and spiritual growth for me there, or maybe the opportunities for growth are always around us and we need to continue the process of searching internally. The questions continue on and on, and then moments arrive that seem like perfect clarity, like the purity of the ocean.
I adjust slowly back into life in New York, finding the beauty I felt in Hawaii in new places unexpectedly. Seeing the women from our Joyful Heart trip helps me to realize that part of the real magic of what happened was not just because of the dolphins or Hawaii, but because of a circle of women, a wise council, each member of which opened their hearts and shared generously their pain, anger, love, and triumph. I started jogging in Riverside Park to be closer to deep water, feeling comforted by it. There are a flock of wild geese hanging out there in the mornings and they let me near them and I come very close to that place in the world and inside of us that is always connected and, I have found, can never be destroyed.
Anastasia Webb
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