Reunion Issue No. 01 Page 9

thought I did--that it was my sexuality, new and
mysterious to me. I made a conscious decision
that I never, ever wanted to feel vulnerable again.
So, I embraced this newfound sexuality and
combined it with what this boy--this perpe-
trator--had taught me about power by vivid,
terrifying example. Power and sex became
synonymous to me. I wore my sexuality like a
uniform; it defined me. I worked hard to maintain
total control. I was still only 13-years-old.

I had always dreamt that, one day, I would

have a trusting husband and a loving family.
After that summer, all of that seemed impossible.
I was so filled with shame at what I was
convinced I had done that I couldn't imagine
ever deserving the future I had once taken
for granted. I was deeply angry. My dream
was broken.

By the age of 14, I was doing drugs, drinking,

having sex and slitting my wrists. By the age of
19, I was drinking and taking sleeping pills daily.
I was also throwing up my food and exercising
obsessively, an attempt to control my own body
and all it represented to me. No one asked me
why I was behaving this way. Instead, my
behavior was punished and its causes never
explored. Rather than risk the pain of betrayal,

I simply stopped trusting others. I hated myself
and I was alone.

Editor's Note:

Research conducted by Liz

Claiborne revealed that despite a large media
focus on the issue of teen dating abuse and
sexual assault, 74 percent of sons and 66
percent of daughters say they have not had a
conversation about the issue with their parents.
This lack of communication between parents
and their teens is a serious challenge in the effort
to prevent abuse among teens or address the
impact of past abuse. For more information on
how to begin a dialogue with your teens, read
more about MADE on page 19 and visit
www.loveisnotabuse.com.

My body and mind were suffering. And my

heart was breaking. I had put up an impenetra-
ble wall between me and the thing I wanted
most: true intimacy.

At the age of 20, an injury pushed me into

yoga. I didn't know it then, but I was on the
verge of transformation. Yoga cradled me as
I slowly peeled away all the layers of addiction,
one soul- killing habit at a time. I stopped the
bulimia, the smoking, the drinking, the obsessive
running, the pills and the sex. On a daily basis
I prayed for help. There was a long period of real

and metaphorical darkness when I just sat alone
and cried.

My tears eventually dried and my walls

began to crumble. That's when the floodgates
of healing opened and my soul was inundated
with light. I was referred to the Joyful Heart
Foundation by Peace Over Violence, a Los
Angeles-based non-profit committed to ended
violence against women, and invited to par-
ticipate in a JHF retreat. I felt as if I had been
found--it was almost as if they knew exactly
where I was in my life and that I was finally
ready to heal.

It was on that retreat to Hawaii with other

survivors of rape--women like the ocean that
surrounded us, strong, beautiful and deep--
that I began to remember who I really am. For
the first time in many years I could remember
myself as a child. I was happy. I was loved. And
I never questioned that I deserved these things.

The days on that island with those women

changed my life forever. I learned during that
time that nourishing oneself wholly and com-
pletely--mind, body and spirit--is not greedy.
I learned that I deserved all of the healing expe-
riences we had there. And I forgave myself
for all the times I hurt myself. I realized that

Girls who are sexually abused
appear to be at a double risk
for eating disorders.

--Columbia University Health Library

my STORy /

Left: Greenspun in an under-
water Bound Angle pose (Buddha
Konasana). "Yoga taught me
how to pray." Below: Greenspun,
now a Yoga Teacher, grounds
herself in tree pose (vrksasana).

REUNION