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Pure love is what I've sought for as long as I can remember. Over my almost 5 decades of life, the definition of that love I sought after has evolved through life...
Pure love is what I've sought for as long as I can remember. Over my almost 5 decades of life, the definition of that love I sought after has evolved through life experiences, listening to others, & watching individuals interact with humanity. What I've come to learn is: love is for ALL, love is in us all, when we experience intimately that innate love that is inside us, nothing can keep it from expressing itself except our choice to suppress it. So as I enter my last year pre-50 yrs old, I choose, daily, to clear my mind to see that love within me and to live in such a way that allows that beautiful love to flow so effortlessly through me to everyone I interact with. Like everyone, my story is personal and bears triumphs and battles, that right now I choose to keep personal as the healing process continues. Deep inside I know that it needs to be shared with others, some day, soon, till then…I choose to go out and LOVE, not as I desire to be loved but loved as I have been loved.
Forgiveness has been a freeing part of my healing. I’ve realized that forgiveness is a process and as I reach different plateaus in my journey I must forgive/heal from...
Forgiveness has been a freeing part of my healing. I’ve realized that forgiveness is a process and as I reach different plateaus in my journey I must forgive/heal from that point of view . . . and the journey is absolutely beautiful.
Coming Into MySelf
I’m so grateful today that I can now fully remember previously excruciating childhood scenes with little to no emotional charge accompanying the memory. That doesn’t...
I’m so grateful today that I can now fully remember previously excruciating childhood scenes with little to no emotional charge accompanying the memory. That doesn’t mean it’s all gone or that there’s nothing left to process. The further I get into my recovery the more I realize not to over-process and over-analyze anything, and that I don’t keep my nose down to the ground either. I am learning to be myself. I don’t know if the old age television blank screen noise disconnection, will still lurk on the edges of my consciousness, but I do know that I am aware it exists, where before it was all I heard. The way I make sense of coming into myself is that I am in a relationship everyday as 50 first dates. Every day fresh and new, with wide eyes and expecting nothing accepting everything in peace. Relationships are not static entities. They are actually living entities. Like any other living organism, every relationship needs continual care to survive and thrive. Coming into myself is a lifelong journey. For me, it is intimate, spiritual in nature, and it requires deep reverence for my own and others wounds. I have come to appreciate that no matter what the external circumstances were, no one gets out of childhood scot free, but if you get out alive, you’ve got a chance to turn things around.
So so very exhausted! Surviving is such hard work. I often wonder if I just could let go maybe I could thrive? Maybe thriving would be less work to just be me. Fear...
So so very exhausted! Surviving is such hard work. I often wonder if I just could let go maybe I could thrive? Maybe thriving would be less work to just be me. Fear holds me back. If I let go will I could fall apart? I could hit the ground rather than remain this balloon i have been that no one ever holds on to. The one no one grabs the string for too long unless they need something from me. So I remain in the fear that surviving I have known since I was 5. But thriving is always that pot of gold I hope is at the end of every beautiful rainbow. See we that know nothing about another wau to live don't not believe in fairytales, we just fear them. I tried to thrive once and found myself so lost that I gave up on living and myself. A single phone call saved my life. So I reconcile that I am a survivor! I am proud of that. I also never give up hope that one day I will thrive and life won't always be so much work. 44 and still believe in happy endings, its better than not hoping at all.
One Day, One Moment, At A Time
When I was 18, I ran away from home. I left my house with a small garbage bag of clothing, got into the car of an almost stranger, and refused to look in the rear view...
When I was 18, I ran away from home. I left my house with a small garbage bag of clothing, got into the car of an almost stranger, and refused to look in the rear view as we drove away. I was terrified of what the future held, but I was even more terrified to spend another day in that house. I knew that if I had stayed, I would die. My Step Father started physically abusing me at a very young age, but the sexual abuse started on my 12th birthday. Over time, the abuse got worse and more severe, eventually, when I was 15, he took me out of school and kept me close to him almost 24//7. I never thought I would escape, and even a few times,I tried to take my own life. After I left, he tracked me down to the state that I moved to, harassed me for years, came to my new State that I live in now, and last year, we came face to face once more. I never believed I could work through all that happened, and hated myself for what happened to me. I blamed myself for every bruise, every scar,every broken bone, and every panic attack/flashback I had. I found the Joyful Heart Foundation, and through the stories of others, I found the courage within me to stand up and fight for myself like I never had the courage to do before. I found a courage and strength that I didn't even know existed, and I turned it around. I realized I was NOT to blame for what he did to me, and I also realized that what he did, what he allowed others to do to me, did not define me at all. It wasn't overnight, but I was finally able to look in the mirror, and not hate what I saw staring back at me. I had an amazing therapist, I found the Joyful Heart Foundation, and seeing all these other people coming forward with the "No More" campaign, I found my voice again. I am so grateful, to Mariska, The JHF, My Therapist, and all of the other people out there, who have inspired me to continue my fight, when there was a time that I thought there was no way possible I could get through this. I'm 29 now, and while I'm not exactly where I want to be, I know that one day I will be, and if you find yourself in that position too, don't give up. There's hope and healing, and I promise you, you're not alone.
Surviving to Thriving
I am a survivor of sexual abuse and incest. I was molested by an older cousin for 5-6 years from the ages of 7 or 8 until I was 13. I never knew what I went through was...
I am a survivor of sexual abuse and incest. I was molested by an older cousin for 5-6 years from the ages of 7 or 8 until I was 13. I never knew what I went through was considered abuse, but after learning about the different types of abuse and what was considered abuse I finally learned that I had been a victim of such a thing. I now know that the despicable acts that were committed against me were not my fault. I did not seduce my abuser - I was a child. I am not dirty, disgusting, or gross. I was a child that was taken advantage of and fell victim to the attention that my abuser gave me. I have my voice and power back and use it to give a voice to those that have not discovered theirs yet. I want people to know that there is healing after abuse and you can live a healthy, successful life afterward. I didn't just survive years of abuse, now I am thriving! I have completed my B.A. in psychology and am starting a masters program in the fall to become a therapist so I can help others!
God Restored My Health and Healed My Heart
I went through a completely dark time, a time when I felt doomed and utterly hopeless. I was depressed and anxiety-ridden. I was defeated. Worst of all, I was faith-less...
I went through a completely dark time, a time when I felt doomed and utterly hopeless. I was depressed and anxiety-ridden. I was defeated. Worst of all, I was faith-less. I was riddled by (undue) shame and guilt and felt that I couldn't even live in my own skin. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I prayed constantly but saw no change. I felt no difference. I was praying for things that were unhealthy for me. One day, against all odds, I surrendered to God. Now, six months later, I am healthy and happy. I am immensely grateful to God. I am excited about the future. I have a thirst for life. I survived.
I was sexually abused starting at the age of 3, however I also experienced physical/verbal/emotional abuse throughout my life. I had developed C-PTSD by the age of 4 and...
I was sexually abused starting at the age of 3, however I also experienced physical/verbal/emotional abuse throughout my life. I had developed C-PTSD by the age of 4 and chronic depression by the age of 10. I spent years trying to take my life and finally resigned myself to living alone in the darkness that is surviving. In fall 2013 my best friend finally sat me down and helped me contact a therapist. 18 months later I have found hope and while that first therapist has now moved, I will never forget her. My current therapist is just as amazing and has helped me grow even more. I have now started a support group in my area for others who have survived. I know now it wasn't my fault. There is hope, there is light, and there is joy in this world. I have felt joy for the first time in my life. I have hope that I can thrive now and maybe one day have a family. My story is just beginning.
Justice is coming
Arizona is finally changing their ways. Its long over due. Holding test kits because a victim was not able to get her abuser to admit what he did on a recorded phone...
Arizona is finally changing their ways. Its long over due. Holding test kits because a victim was not able to get her abuser to admit what he did on a recorded phone line is UNACCEPTABLE. It is no surprise that so many victims do not come forward after being assaulted. Its another assault to ask someone to "pretend to have liked" what happened just to get a verbal confirmation from an assailant. http://azcops.org/arizona-law-enforcement-revising-stance-on-rape-kits/ Hopefully the 4000+ test kits to be "reopened" bring justice to the victims in Arizona.
Light after almost ten years in darkness
How one person can change it all, but this time for the good! There's been a change in me, cause I'm not alone anymore, I don't feel alone anymore. Almost...
How one person can change it all, but this time for the good! There's been a change in me, cause I'm not alone anymore, I don't feel alone anymore. Almost ten years I kept my mouth shut about what happened to me. Shame, pain, anger... Than this year I was rehearsing for a musical in my city. One day my choreographer came up to me, she hugged me and said: I'm here, you're not alone. For the first time, I talked about it, knowing she understood. And although it was very hard to finally speak out, I'm happy that I did. Admitting it happened, helps me recover. I always said to myself that I was strong enough to do it alone, but I wasn't. And, we don't have to be strong enough to do it alone! I let people in, gave them a chance to be there for me. We're not alone in this! After all the darkness, all these years, trying to do good for everyone, except myself, now I learn how to chase back to the light, because I deserve to be happy!! :)